The title of this entry seems appropriate because I am starting a new blog and what better way to start than to introduce how I reached the status of a disciplined wife. I guess this journey actually started about 8 years ago....well that was what I thought anyway. According to my husband it has always been an underlying effort for him.
A really long story short my husband is my knight in shining armor he rescued me from a terribly scary marriage that almost ended with me being a statistic. He was my absolute best friend and protected and believed in me when I was sure I was doomed to despair. But the most important thing he gave me was not what he gave me, but what he let me give him. The night I fell in love with him was the night he let me be there for him when he needed support during a difficult time. That was 14 years ago. But I didn't admit it for another year when he was direct and told me how he really felt about me and had known for 2 years, and that he wanted to tell me but he knew I was not ready to hear it and needed time to heal.
Since then we have over come some incredibly insurmountable circumstances, and sometimes it looked like we would walk away from each other forever. It was during a time when we were evaluating our needs and desires for our relationship that he told me he had been holding back on telling me what he had always wanted in a marriage because he thought I would be scared because of my history. He went on to say that it had been willing to continue without some needs being met because he loved me with all of my boundaries. Then he explained that he wanted a relationship were he felt validated in his masculinity as the head of our family and had very often felt like I had in his terms "cut him off at the balls". I was so surprised I had never wanted him to feel that way and I had waned him to step up to the role more but thought he was unwilling. I never told him that because I didn't really know how to verbalize what he was now expressing. This was also a healing process for me because the perceived "boundaries" were also making me feel trapped and I wanted to move past them but I couldn't get him to cross over a line that no longer existed for me. Ironically I admired his selflessness and respect and love he had for me to stay in the confines of my original needs even if that meant he went unfulfilled, I am not sure I could have done that.
So this male head of the household thing was all new to me, what did it mean to practice this ....well that is simple trust him .....just trust him. While this felt good it was a new thing cause I had learned not to trust from a young child. Thank goodness he had this modeled for him by his parents and I had seen bits of it from my grandparents, but never really analyzed it. Upon reflection my Grandfather was the last word in that house. I had always seen my Grandmother as respectful, and loving of my Grandfather and him of her. I always wanted this but never made the connection.
We started with him getting comfortable with FULLY expressing himself and his desires the first thing was go back to the sexy underwear I wore when we were dating. Until then I didn't even know he noticed my underwear. Then is was focus more on pleasing him and giving more of myself to him. This does not mean I am his slave this means give him what he gives me.....devotion. He worked nights and I stayed home with our combined children so when he was on his way home he would call and make sure I was up and the kids were behaving during the morning routine of getting off to school. In addition he would give me my direction of the morning; if he was hungry I would cook him breakfast for when he walked in the door OR he wanted me waiting in bed for him when he came home. In addition I was to met his approval when exiting the house in what I was wearing and how put together I appeared. I again never knew he noticed. I had been in "Mommy mode" for so long I don't think I had noticed. I started doing my make up more and thinking about what I wore more and asking him if there was anything he would prefer to see me wear. One morning when we were getting ready to go somewhere and I was standing in the mirror he said to me that he very much appreciated that I took the time to "look good" for him. it wasn't that he preferred make up vs no make or ugly vs pretty it was the effort and that I carried myself different when I felt like I looked better, meaning it was the self confidence and effort that turned him on not the actual package I wrapped myself in everyday. I felt the same way, I prefer when he his beard is groomed and he smells good ect, because he shows he cares about himself not because he is trying to "look" good. The next part was just a fun by product. All of this relationship effort led to the best intimacy conceivable. Our intimacy was the stuff of romance novels bored unfulfilled housewives have lost themselves in for generations! However slowly we got lost in some intense external issues with our children before we were able to really make this a true way of life. This incredible relationship changed and became something neither of us wanted, but we dredged on in knowing we loved each other. This went on for years which resulted in some really bad behaviors of disrespect on both parts, till we didn't recognize each other or the people we ourselves had become.
Recently we have taken our lives back and connected again and a few months ago he said his idea of a perfect marriage was the 1950's kind of life. In my head I was saying WHAT!! this is a curve-ball did he forget the repression of women then, and the closet alcoholics women had become during that time!!! Are you kidding me!! WHO IS THIS MAN!! I am a woman with goals and education and educational goals! I am a woman that loves her family but wants to make a mark on this world besides a great recipe box and warm familial memories. I want to change lives and help people in the world!! Then the voices in my head stopped yelling at him for his ignorance and listened. He was not saying any of that, he wanted the modern day set the world of fire and men are simply sperm donors and child support checks absent from his home. Ok so this was what he said a long time ago just different words. Ok I can see this he didn't want to feel as invalidated as women have complained about since the 1950's. So I started to mull this over and analyze what we had lost and how we used to be, and where did that map go to get there again.
We started with some good old fashion research which initially led us to the BDSM scene. But what we knew was we were not into sharing he was clear that I am HIS and he did not want to watch me have sex with others nor did he have ANY desire to have sex with others. I felt the same way I could not watch him with others nor did I want sex with anyone else. Ok well not every one with a kink is into sharing but where do we fit in here or do we? We must, with billions of people we cannot be the only ones that feel this way....right?? We started going to MUNCH get togethers where we found great, fun people but our inner objectives didn't really fit. So we started doing more research and I stumbled onto this "domestic discipline" thing.
When I first talked to him about it he said, "what is that", so I read him some info and guidelines others were using. He said some fit others not so much. So we started with outlining some "rules" and expectations these were simple basically I recognize him as the leader of this family and submit to him and if I do not I am to take the consequence. Ok I can handle that it sounds good, it gives me clear direction and security that I need from him.
The first time he exercised his right to discipline me made this concept "real" we had a disagreement and I was quiet disrespectful which he responded with a warning and I responded with more disrespect, he then said ok well you know what you have coming when I cool off. Over the course of the next few days he reminded me the incident was not forgotten. Later when the kids were out he dealt with it, and gave me a spanking with the belt I would not soon forget, and told me if I rubbed my butt I would have more where that came from. The next day he said he didn't like being that hard me but my bad behavior would not be tolerated. I respected him more then than I had ever before. He was making demands and backing it up! I would tow the line or else and I was totally in the wrong. Well I guess I am hard headed because a few weeks later I had been bratty all day and talking back to him and not listening and after many warnings I crossed the line and he looked at me and cuffed my face. I was shocked we had outlined this stuff but I never thought he would actually do it I was not offended by it in a "bad" way. Then he sent me to our room. Later he came up and talked to me about my behavior and gave me a healthy spanking. Then he said I was allowed to stay in our room until dinner and pull myself together and I could use the computer if I wanted, gave me a hug wiped my tears and made me kneel and go over some of the rules.
This is the part that many would gasp and say I am abused and I am blindly accepting this abuse to which I would be very offended. I am in NO WAY abused. I am held accountable to my husband. I am submissive to my husband. I love that my husband is willing to do whatever it takes to keep my behavior in check he has NEVER disciplined me out of anger, rather disappointment in my behavior.
Others would say I am just kinky well maybe ...does it turn me on when he does this ...yes to a point because his loving dedication to make "us" what we want is a turn on. He could easily find a doormat of a woman to just obey him with little effort on his part. What many do not realize is it takes just as much effort from him to lead our family and stay on top of things as it takes me to submit and obey him.
On a biblical sense God says a wife SHOULD submit to and obey her husband and that HE is the head of the family and God his the head of the man. We are not a religious fanatics but we do lead our life with God's guidance. I am not going to say that God said beat the wife into submission I doubt that is true but there is an enormous difference in discipline and beating.
I am a willful woman with traditional views of marriage and agree that some men cannot be trusted with the responsibly to be gifted with unabated submission. My husband cherishes me and has carried me though some times I thought I could not go on, with unyielding love, compassion, respect and dedication. He protects my honor and demands respect for me from others, he firmly handles people when they disrespect me. He fully understands that when I am disrespected or behave disrespectfully to others it is an insult to him and he will not stand for this behavior. I admire his strength and dedication to uphold his values and I am honored that he sees the same in me, other wise he would not want to be connected to me.
I have had many women tell me I am lucky to have him and that their husbands when never treat them as great as mine treats me. To tell you the truth if I were their husband I would not treat them the way my husband treats me either. These are the women that call their husbands names and hide things from him and just want their husbands to obey them while they respond with calling them weak and stupid. They have no idea how to act a wife should act and make their husbands feel feminized and displaced and frustrated. Then they wonder why they cheat with the first woman that boosts their confidence and validates them as MEN rather than puppets.
In short they are not woman enough to HONOR their husbands with the vow of obedience and submission that they promised when they stood in front of an ordained official, looked into the eyes of the man they love and repeated those utmost treasured promise and contract.
It is a great honor to be submissive as it is a great honor to hold that gift of submissiveness. To those that read this and think I am blowing smoke, ask yourselves do you treat your significant other the way you promised, then look at the marriages that have lasted and see where the pieces don't fit with you marriage. I am not saying this set up is for everyone but I am saying that parts of it are a requirement or get a dog! Keep in mind while you may still be saying my husband is abusive, I have never met a woman that knows my husband and said they didn't want a man like him, and I am a VERY fulfilled woman in the areas most married or committed woman complain as great lengths....I have never been left to "take care of it' because he didn't after I met his need.
